Hello, my name is Karen!

instagram: sikarenisme
Memoirs of a Filipina


Near.

The music plays softly like how the night sky envelopes us 

I feel our hearts link together over a bond of trust 

You and I barely speak a word to each other 

Except for hushed laughter and smiles that makes my heart beat faster 

My hands want to touch yours but I keep a distance

Because I fear that maybe your touch won’t like my presence 

So I will just imagine us holding one another 

Till my emotions leave my soul empty to emptier 


Hey, can we drive around the city?

I know it’s late but that’s where my heart wants to take me 

To be alone with you as shining lights pass through the car window 

Maybe in this tiny space, my love for you will show 

Have you ever thought that someone feels grateful to have met you?

You’re so harsh on yourself that I wanna kiss away your blues 

You have become so special to me

I hope you understand why I am like this 

I don’t want the sun to rise just yet 

Not until my strong, ever-beating heart is set 

To be calmed after confessing my feelings for you 

But rejection is my weakness so I decide not to pursue 

So I will continue to smile from ear to ear 

Hoping it can hide my tears 

tagged: ϟmy poem tagged: ϟpersonal

My eyes have gotten used to crying after midnight
I’m a sad sight to see
Maybe you’re right
Maybe we are not meant to be

We both ruined each other’s lives
from loving one another too much
We caused each other too much strife
just by trying to hold on tight

tagged: ϟMy poem

Houston

You opened my eyes quite a bit, Houston 

I may never knew the feeling of love and loss 

Until I started living in the middle of your heart 

You see me in the passenger seat with different drivers 

Wondering where I will sleep tonight

I refuse to sleep in my own bed 

because I can’t handle the loneliness 

Your nights are so melancholic 

as I walk around the quiet streets 

I promised not to smoke anymore 

but no one knows that besides you 

Who else knows I have been cradling this emptiness other than you 

You see me surrounded by lovely people that I can’t connect with

because I’m so afraid of staining their pure hearts 

What else do you see, Houston? 

As I spend another sleepless night in someone else’s passenger seat 

The bright lights of downtown makes me think I should open up to others 

But who can truly empathize with me? 

You must have seen me being pulled apart by so many promises 

I know it’s pathetic and I know I should know better

than to trust someone fully

But that’s what the lonely nights in your city makes me do 

I don’t know what causes everyone’s hearts to open up at 3 AM 

But I’m sure we all just want a reason to wake up happy 

I know that’s what I want 

But I don’t know what will make me whole 

Maybe I need to leave you, Houston 

And learn to sleep on my own

tagged: ϟmy poem tagged: ϟhouston

Pedestal.

You used to hold me to the highest standard 

That I couldn’t even see anything anymore 

I thought because you loved me so that I found my perfect match 

But the more we connect, the more of the pieces falls out of our hands 

I suddenly felt a tight grip on the necklace you gave me 

and I couldn’t breathe when you weren’t there 

What happened to me? 

I try to cry to you but you would get mad at me 

All because I can’t speak properly as I gasp for air after every tear 

I fear heights now after you placed me at the top 

You say you love me so much 

But you weren’t aware how I wanted to jump down from your pedestal

even if it means I will die 

The necklace wounds to my neck more tightly 

As I try to climb down

Drinking, smoking, wearing revealing clothes 

You were so angry that I changed 

That I wasn’t the “good girl” you loved 

Who am I, now that I think about it? 

Suddenly, my wrist is bruised from your grip

I couldn’t speak to anyone else other than you

I feared for my life 

I try to jump off completely but you would threaten to kill yourself

I had no escape

No one knew my suffering

because everyone loved you more than I

But a select few saw my pain and tried to pull me out

It was a tug-of-war

You demanded I choose you over them because you placed me on that pedestal

But being in your pedestal means I continue being abused, then I quit

Your grip tightens but I grew strong enough to let it go 

Finally, I’m free

But the scars you left still stains my skin 

I may never be able to wash it off 

Not until I place myself on my own pedestal 

I need to learn how to love myself once more 

Maybe then, I can breathe better and without conviction 

tagged: ϟmy poem tagged: ϟtw:abuse


Cover

If time machines exist, then I would like to go to the past 

And tell myself to be more assertive and be less kind 

Maybe then I am able to move on from things so quickly

Rather than laying in bed, questioning my existence 

"You always wear your heart on your sleeve"

You tell me but not as a compliment 

I know and I used to be so proud of being so loving 

But to pour out so much love will leave you empty

Time and time again, I never seem to grasp this lesson

I am ashamed and I feel it is too late to change 

"You should just accept yourself for who you are" 

But how can I if you point out so much of my flaws 

I get confused and I try not to cry 

My mother reminds me of my age and implement that 

"Only little girls cry - not women" 

Sorry Mom, I seem to have matured late

I am strong because at least I acknowledge my problems 

But maybe it is easier to smile and laugh it off

Fake it till you make it, they say 

But for every smile comes with tears 

I must have filled the ocean already and now everyone notices 

The girl who laughs at everything is the most fragile 

The girl who listens is the one who has a lot to say 

The girl who smiles the most is undoubtedly the most damaged 

My ex says no one will love me because I am too much of a burden

I am indecisive and I refuse to let anyone hold my baggage 

And yet I expect someone to hold my hand through it all 

But isn’t that normal? No wonder he’s my ex 

He wasn’t able to help me and yet I carried his weight 

It’s heavy but I thought that’s what love was 

I did come out strong through it all though

I should praise myself but the voices in my head are louder 

I become lonely and I find solace in others 

At least for a moments time I can forget my insecurities 

But maybe I should start facing them rather than taking notice 

"I notice you tend to pity yourself" 

And I should because I used to be so harsh on myself 

I feel I owe it to myself to sympathize rather than to hate 

This is why I don’t let just anyone in 

Because I can never get support despite their promises to be one

But then you came and I felt less alone 

You said the exact words I wanted to say 

Everything from love, loss, and love again 

I didn’t feel so ashamed anymore 

But you’re so far from me that I believe I can be easily forgotten 

I see you’re so loved because so many people are ready to hold you 

But you keep them in arms length because you are too wary 

I am the exact same but I already found my support 

It took a while to find them and they love me so much

That I don’t know how to react it it sometimes 

It’s a good feeling and I wish to be that person for you 

But I am so minuscule and you are an entire entity 

Am I ready to start pouring my soul out once more? 

I feel it’s right because we are going through the same thing 

But I’m scared because I do expect something from you 

And I’m not sure if you can deliver 

It’s so obvious… 

Maybe I should start covering it again

Morning

It is almost 5 AM but the sun still hasn’t broken the night sky 

We lay next to each other on this cool bed, enveloping ourselves with the blanket 

And I kiss your left cheek gently because I have already told you I love you a million times 

There’s an unexplained happiness with simply being next to you

Years of friendship and now it comes to this

You were the one I have always relied on and you’re the one I always miss

But a wave of melancholy surges within me

Once the morning rises, I have to leave

 To go back to reality again and living my mundane life 

I don’t know when we will see one another again

You’re world’s apart from me and we only had this one night 

To pour our heart’s out and hold each other close 

I became addicted to your touch and it shows 

I wish time just stood still for us 

because I want to keep this moment forever 

I’m hesitant to walk out of the door 

But I hear cars stuck in traffic 

And the light breaks through the window pane 

I pull myself closer to you 

We just look at each other knowing we both have to say goodbye 

Can I have one last kiss before I go?

Wait, one more

And another 

"I love you," I whisper to your ear 

I’m trying not to cry 

For there is no good in this goodbye 

tagged: ϟmy poem


Sea.

Fate is so funny sometimes
I remember seeing you amongst the crowd
You towered over everyone else
You looked so lonely
To be the only one standing out amongst the sea of people

And there I was drowning in the crowd
My petite frame is so vulnerable
No one knows I am lonely
To be the only one suppressing her sorrow amongst the sea of people

Months later I meet you again
And I become aware of your sadness
I am taken aback to how vocal you are
I want to pour my heart to you but I’m scared

I begin to realize that you attract your own sea of people
They love you so much because you are so fragile
They want to be the one to make your broken heart whole
I feel like I am drowning again

I need to learn how to swim
I am exhausted from being anchored down by my emotions
I need to swim to the surface
To find my light

You will not notice my drowning
Because so many others swim towards you
But once I get to the surface, I hope you see me
You need the light as much as I do

tagged: ϟMy poem tagged: ϟpersonal

Maybe the stargazers are awake for you because you shine so bright 

I can understand if you don’t notice my dull light 

But I’m here 

And I hate to beg but please 

Notice me.

tagged: ϟmy poem


You tell me the things I want to hear 

You say you can’t wait to kiss me once I’m near 

I smile widely because I’m falling for you 

But reality reminds me again not to be a fool 

And now my mind is consumed by thoughts 

I can’t act without analyzing about it so much 

You must not notice my withdrawals 

Because you have your own life to live 

And now I can’t even thread my words beautifully 

I stay silent because I can’t afford to make a mistake 

I want to tell you I love you 

And you say you love me just as much 

But the voices in my head tells me not to believe you 

Because you didn’t smile that one time 

Or you didn’t tell say hi to me first that other time 

I wanna cry because I don’t wanna over think 

But I can’t help it 

I hate myself 

tagged: ϟmy poem

I can’t move on because your clothes still hang in my closet 

The smell of you still lingers in my bedroom 

It’s a bit suffocating but I am still living 

I miss your arms around me when we sleep together 

or when I wake up and the first thing I see is your face 

I miss your smiles that was meant for me 

Your embrace that only held me 

Your kisses that only touched me 

Your promises that gave me hope 

Everything about you 

But you’re gone now and I am holding on to memories to keep me sane 

Loneliness is heart breaking 

I miss how you tried so hard to prevent me to be sad 

But you became my problem  

and yet my solution

tagged: ϟmy poem
DTHM.