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Memoirs of a Filipina

Hello, my name is Karen!

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I’m awake again 

I check the time and it’s 2:35 A.M. 

I guess I still can’t sleep without you next to me 

I guess I still can’t close my eyes without feeling your breath close to me 

I guess I still can’t function well without you here 

I need to stop wanting you near 

You consumed my night and day 

You were always around that I thought you’d stay 

Promised me you’ll always be by my side 

I had nothing to hide 

because I could tell you everything 

But I left myself so vulnerable 

And now the wound from my broken heart is too fresh 

I have so much of you in my tiny bedroom 

I feel so suffocated by your absence 

And yet your scent still lingers on 

Memories of when I leaned onto you for guidance 

How I miss feeling so safe around you 

And now it’s gone and I’m barely holding on 

I’m a mess but I can’t let you know 

You’re happy now with her 

And I don’t want to be a bother 

So till I get over you 

I’ll replay all of our good moments 

And cry till I can no longer cry anymore

Tagged as: my poem,

Did you see it?

Did you see my heart break into pieces

As I hear your kind rejection of my feelings?

I stay there stunned for what seemed like an eternity

Trying to hold my tears from falling

But thanks for making me feel alive

It’s been a while since I’ve

felt anything other than being in a standstill

It hurts but it is real

I always thought I knew what true love was

All because 

I was in someone else’s arms for five years

But it is not what it appears

because I was lying to myself 

Now I must lie to myself once more 

That my heart isn’t once again torn

Tagged as: my poem,

I can’t move on because your clothes still hang in my closet 

The smell of you still lingers in my bedroom 

It’s a bit suffocating but I am still living 

I miss your arms around me when we sleep together 

or when I wake up and the first thing I see is your face 

I miss your smiles that was meant for me 

Your embrace that only held me 

Your kisses that only touched me 

Your promises that gave me hope 

Everything about you 

But you’re gone now and I am holding on to memories to keep me sane 

Loneliness is heart breaking 

I miss how you tried so hard to prevent me to be sad 

But you became my problem  

and yet my solution

Tagged as: my poem,

I was happy when I left you

I thought my wish for freedom has finally come true

You kept begging me to come back

But I attacked

Saying I didn’t need you 

I just grew up without you

Several nights later I find myself lonely

My heart would start aching

I smiled in front of everyone to hide my sadness

Hiding my tears to fake happiness

I guess years of being with you isn’t going away

So quickly as I thought because maybe

I thought my freedom is what I wanted

But I didn’t  realized my wishes were deluded

Then you came to return my gifts for you

Seeing your face broke me down into two

You held me close and I cried a river

We both wished our love did last forever

But time was not kind to us

Tagged as: my poem,

I feel like running away from the place I am standing now 

All these emotions, this loneliness, just how 

How do I handle this on my own  

Keeping things inside me is all I have ever known 

People promise to help me carry my baggage 

But I feel they will only become enrage

if they see my flaws, my anger, my sorrow

I’m scared that they might not be here with me tomorrow

"You think too much"

I truly do and I need someone’s touch

My loneliness has gotten to the point where I can’t stand to be alone

I want to stand on my own

I don’t want to rely on others

That way, I won’t be a bother 

Tagged as: my poem,

You have been in my room so much that it has become yours

Your scent on my blanket and clothes on the floor

Passion so addicting whenever I’m with you

I try so hard not to fall for you

But whenever you are not near, my heart aches

I’ll do whatever it takes

To make the time pass

Till the next time I am in your hands

My mind is consumed by images of your smile

Memories of it is enough to keep me happy for awhile

Because I often wonder how you feel about me

Is it her or me?

You spend so much time with me that I think I won

Am I number one?

I don’t know how to ask because I know you’ll say

"Didn’t we talk about this? Don’t think so much about this, okay?"

"this" is us making memories and laughing about everything

Because we do more than being in bed till morning

Of course I am confused

Are we friends or am I being used?

I try not to think about “this” so much

I’ll try not to want your touch

But you hold me and you pull me back

You fill whatever it is I lack

But I can’t tell you this

I can’t tell you that you’re the one I miss

Not until you tell me I am important

But for now, I mustn’t

Tagged as: my poem,

Tell me what place, thing, or song 

That reminds you of where I used to belong

In your heart where I used to be the only one

The number one among everyone

Now, I am probably in the farthest number

But my heart still grows fonder

of you, and how it aches

because I don’t know how long it will take

for me to move on to another direction

because you are already too far from my affection

But if time decides to be kind for us

Then I hope to meet you where my heart

have stopped falling apart

And I can tell you I love you one more time

Without expecting anything from you but just a kind smile

Tagged as: my poem,

Loneliness is a feeling that is like a blank canvas

Out of it comes misery, sadness that will cause me to wander aimlessly

Though I am surrounded by kind people

I try my best to not let them know I am fragile

Because I don’t know how strong they are to help me carry myself

I feel so heavy, a burden to others

My vision blurs

I cry too much and I cannot call anyone

My paranoia and old wounds makes me doubt everyone

Though they promised to be there for me

I cannot hear them over fast paced heart beat.

Tagged as: my poem,

Why is it easier for my heart to break when I am around you 

I don’t want to admit this but it’s true 

I am often lonely 

Oh, the pain that comes with caring for someone deeply 

You say I should be able to tell you anything 

But how can I tell you if you are the reason I am crying 

Tagged as: my poem,

It’s been awhile since we fought like this 

Our good memories I am left to reminisce 

I forgot how scary you are when you are mad 

And how my heart hurts when I’m sad 

Are you thinking twice about me?

Because I have been making mistakes lately? 

I never said I was perfect 

But that’s what you predict 

Because I never gave you any trouble before 

Now I am the one who broke your heart on the floor 

I can’t say anything to justify my actions 

I’m always cautious 

Making sure you won’t get hurt 

I made so much effort  

But I am left in vain 

Our relationship strained 

As you point out my mistakes 

While my heart aches

Tagged as: my poem,